Why I cry.....
Hey you guys!
There has been ALOT going on today that has SERIOUSLY stressed me out! You’ll probably see that here because this goes back and forth. Please note the all spelling, etc. may not be correct as I’ve gotten very passionate and bothered about these things. Some things may repeat as well.
I am trying to continue turning to art as a way to deal. I just can’t seem to create everyday.
I’ll go on about more of the reasons I cry later on in this post but in my case as in many cases, I have to put on a smile in order to get by. That would be one of the main reasons I cry! I remind myself that those who were slaves often had to stay strong and could mainly only do what their owners wanted.
THAT’S SICK I know but historically true!
It’s almost the same thing with me; only my owners don’t have my name down on paper saying that they own me. Nobody branded me like the sick people did in NXIVM either. Emotional abuse now, that’s something that I have in common with anyone who has EVER been in an abusive situation.
Although I’m not physically abused at the moment, all of the stress I am under causes some of my seizures and extreme panic attacks.
Seizures and panic attacks create physical pain. It’s been noted in medical books that stress is the leading cause of seizures . How can that NOT help those who wish for it to be legally noted that the emotions that cause stress can cause the physical pain created by a panic attack, etc.?!
Stress causes seizures, seizures cause physical pain. Tell me just HOW is THAT NOT proof!?
My family will NOT even acknowledge that fact because they want me to live near them. Even if it makes me suffer. My life really is of NO importance to them. They’ll lie in public and sometimes they’ll simply say they care to me. Honestly, I have to fool myself simply to get a ride from family because otherwise I won’t be able to cope.
They put up a facade as much as possible for the public. To save their name and make them feel like good people. I hate to break it to ANYONE but people who care don’t want to help keep you from living. People who truly care would want you to live. They’d encourage you to meet others, etc. safely because they’d want your happiness.
There are normal family arguments, disagreements that NORMAL people talk over. My family doesn’t know how to talk and were not raised to show emotions.
I don’t think that my father wants me to meet anyone, settle down and have a family because it would take me away from him. He wouldn’t have as much time with me because I’d be free to live.
The FUNNY thing is, years ago it was about him living.He was allowed to live, meet a wife and have kids. He was allowed to have a family.
He became known when we moved to Ga. because he had leads in most musicals. Community non-paid theatre that is… If he were being paid for the roles he had, my family would be rather rich. We’re not though because he doesn’t believe in charging for talent like that. I honestly think that’s my mothers doing because whatever she believes, he agrees with. He can’t disagree with her.
Art is only how some people make a living but whatever…
At that time, he wanted me to go out and put posters up for his musicals with my mother. He wanted me to spend time in the theatre so that he could be close to my mother. She also wanted to be there because she did not fully trust him and wanted to keep an eye on him. I VERY naively thought that both parents actually wanted to spend time with me. I look back and don’t know HOW I thought that because I had at least 7 seizures a day getting up to 100 seizures at the most.
Having Epilepsy that’s under control or even partially under control is one thing but mine was EXTREME!
EVERY father most likely has to deal with letting go when their children grow up. Letting go is a part of life that NOT everyone can deal with properly. My family would be some of those people.
It’s not about ME. It’s about THEM!
Just as it is with CULT leaders. It isn’t about those who cult leaders harm in a cult, it is about what those leaders want.
That being so, I can’t help but wonder if my family would be happy if my seizures were acting crazy again. They get a high from any form of attention they get when snapping me out of a panic attack, etc. It’s sick!
I haven’t been to the ER in awhile but they would get a kick outa that too because they grew used to it. Over the years, I always noticed how my father would get mad at anyone who tried to help me or showed concern. He doesn’t do that as much now, especially if it’s someone he trusts. I have to admit that.
I had surgery and got my toenail removed a yr or so ago. This was BEFORE I went NO CONTACT. They did give me a shot and also froze my toe with spray. Before it got too painful, I decided NOT to ask for my mother to be in the room with me. It was still EXTREMELY PAINFUL! I honestly can’t remember what they did because I was there but I wasn’t there. I think that I was VERY close to fainting. I know that sounds strange. It’s true though.
The nurse there even told me that I could scream if I wanted to but I was frozen and couldn’t make a sound.
I knew my mother would hear and come in the room. I knew that my mother probably wouldn’t be there for ME because she gets some form of high from being there. I don’t even think that she knows she gets a high from it. I think she’s gotten used to that high over the years. I’ve OFTEN needed her help and she has always been there for me. That meant alot to but she also uses that to make me feel guilty and get the reaction she wants. Due to that and other things I simply stopped talking to her. EVERYTHING about her is drama that my body simply does not need. I can’t really describe why but it just feels fake when she is there today. As if she is mainly there because she HAS to keep up the way she looks in public. She’s almost obsessed with NOT even thinking about her looks at all. Almost as if, she has something to prove and wants people to think more of her because she has let herself go. I think she might think that NOT thinking of looks is more saintly, etc.
I think it’s odd personally but I also don’t read the bible every morning!
That surgery was VERY VERY PAINFUL and oddly enough I did ask for my mother to come back afterwards. I think that I found that comforting even if her being there was fake. I didn’t even cry a little during that. I don’t know HOW but I didn’t. As odd as it may sound, I think that my body had grown used to pain because some of my seizures had put me in even worse situations in the past. Sadly, I can’t honestly say that I was always able to stay conscious in those times.
It’s the ones who are saintly that people often don’t even take the time to look at. It’s funny though, she’s so saintly that she completely ignored the physical abuse given years ago by my father. Of course, some of my siblings wouldn’t call it abuse but I think using a belt to spank someone is abuse. Not to mention making sure we were warned and scared first by making a snapping sound with the belt. I swear, it’s kinda idiotic but that sound, etc. bothers me til’ this day and I’m the youngest of his children. That stopped all together when I was 11yrs. Smacking us upside the head for making noise when we ate wasn’t really good fatherly behaviour either. That’s just my belief though.
He’s partially changed today but I am not so sure that 100% change is even possible for him. He is a master manipulator but so is my mother. They play off of each other. They both have flying monkeys that they use as ways to get the response they wish, etc.
I have to say NO to things like birthday money, etc. in order to let them know that money can’t buy my love. They’ll use gifts, money, etc. as a way to guilt trip people into giving them the reaction they want. It’s kinda sick. I don’t consider those REAL gifts.
STILL I’ve been told that I’m all about money. If it weren’t so pitiful, etc. it’d be laughable.
Again though, it’s been Medically, Scientifically proven that stress is the leading cause of seizures. People just STILL IGNORE what’s RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEIR FREAKING FACES!
Even Dr.s who study that sort of thing ignore what’s right there. I beg Dr.s everywhere to please look in medical books! They hold proof you can use. That proof costs YOU only the price of the medical books. Don’t say you don’t have proof that emotions can cause physical pain Dr.s because people like ME have suffered due to the fact that STRESS IS THE LEADING CAUSE OF SEIZURES for years! Don’t ignore the pain those with seizures have suffered. We do not deserve that. Nobody’s pain deserves to be ignored. YOU can help to stop some forms of pain by NOT IGNORING ours.
Show me why I have suffered most of my life. Help others with the proof it provides.
SEIZURES CAUSE PHYSICAL PAIN! TRUST ME! I know, I’ve broken bones, etc. and almost died more times than you could count on your hands and feet put TOGETHER!
I’ve suffered almost all of my life. If pain creates some divine Spiritual strength cult leaders, etc.. Although, I tend to forget, I know that I’m pretty dang strong!
Let me be 100% honest though, I also think that the thought of gaining Spiritual strength from pain is a load of crap!
You can not gain strength with pain. Nor is it anyones job to create pain.
When you harm another person, you harm a part of God. God lives in each of us. Believe as you wish but I believe that is why God is not male nor female. God is a little of both.
When you harm another person, you break a part of your soul. I believe it can heal but that is completely up to you. I AM VERY Spiritual and I know dang well NOT to take advantage of the unknown. Someone with a TRUE Spiritual understanding can see that EVERYONE MATTERS! We are ALL equal.
My pain may be because my soul was already strong. I may have been chosen by the unknown for that, I am not sure. I also think that it doesn’t matter though. It’s not in my hands and it’s not in your hands nor anyones hands. It’s all unknown. THAT is where the TRUE power lay and it’s WAY to much power for anyone on earth to handle.
I am also sure that I am NOT better than my brothers and sisters.
My heart seriously cries for ANYONE who has been taken advantage of, like cults take advantage.
NO ONE on earth deserves to cause the pain I have gone through and others have gone through. To cause pain is saying that someone is worthy of doing that and they aren’t. Only the unknown can choose that, only the unknown should have that much power.
I don’t know why the unknown chose me to be in pain and I don’t think that I deserve it. I don’t know why ANYONE is EVER chosen to be in pain but I know that it’s out of my hands too.
I don’t think ANY of us DESERVE the pain we are in. I know that those will illnesses, etc. WERE actually chosen by the unknown to be where we are today though. There ARE Scientific reasons that Dr.s have found but nobody can say why those Scientific reasons happen in the first place. It’s out of our hands.
Those who have been physically harmed in cults, etc. weren’t actually CHOSEN by the unknown. They were chosen by a very sick individual who took advantage of the unknown. It’s EXTREMELY SAD too because I DO believe that they had to have had some sort of Spiritual understanding in the first place.
That does NOT mean intelligence at all. Intelligence is a COMPLETELY different thing. COMPLETE IDIOTS can have alot of energy that draws people to them and a Spiritual understanding of some things. Some just take advantage of that understanding because their soul is not ready for it. Something had to draw people in the direction of those who take advantage of the unknown though. Why the unkown chose them to have something that they obviously were not ready for is beyond me but I am also NOT the unknown. I am NOT THAT powerful, etc.
I am however worthy of life and we all are.
I wish that I could take all pain away but I cannot do that . Sadly, noone on earth can. If I had that power, I would though. I honestly would.
I STILL believe that there ARE good preachers and coaches who won’t take advantage of others and simply want to help. I also know that they can go down the wrong path though. They’re just as human as I am.
Changing the subject back to seizures because that one is getting me just WAY to upset. I probably made about a billion spelling errors.
PLEASE, DO NOT LET MY GOING THROUGH THE PAIN THAT I HAVE SUFFERED BE FOR NOTHING DR.S!
PLEASE, PLEASE, USE IT TO HELP YOUR PATIENTS!
I don’t care about me, I know that I’m lucky to be alive. If the reason for my life being shorter was to get Dr.s to see how that they can help their patients, it’s a damn good reason!
Let that be the reason! Honestly, I’d go through what I have all over again freely if I knew it helped another. Even knowing that my life has probably been shortened, I’d allow that happily because like I said helping others is one damn good reason for my having lived.
I’m proud of that. As my pain increases, I hope that I am always proud.
I hope that one day help is found and I can actually live my life to it’s fullest while I’m still able to.
I’m not going to gain followers, name that group of followers, call myself a saint and go around f*cking with people either. That’s taking advantage of the unknown my friends. People should know better than to f*ck with what isn’t even of this earth. That’s tearing out a part of your very soul and so many don’t even know it. It’s pitiful. If they knew that, I would hope that they wouldn’t go there.
I cry for those who have been f*cked with in that way.
I feel for those who have f*cked with others because although COMPLETELY SCREWED UP, even they have a soul. They are most likely brainwashed themselves but COMPLETELY unaware of it.
In my belief, their soul is less of one now… I personally will NEVER cry for them.
They are no longer worthy of my tears.
I’m pretty much already a mess, can you tell?
Moving on, Dr.s help your patients already!
I’ll go on with more reasons of why I cry but another one would be because the proof to help thousands of people who suffer is right there and it’s being overlooked!
My heart aches because of that.
HELP PEOPLE WITH THAT INFORMATION! PEOPLE DO NOT DESERVE TO SUFFER SO HELP THEM! I would say that I cry only for me but I don’t.
ALOT of people suffer due to the fact that stress/emotions has not been noted correctly as being the cause of physical pain.
Again, I’ll say the proof Dr.s need is right there in front of their faces because multiple people have seizures. Emotions cause stress. Stress causes seizures. Seizures cause physical pain, so there ya go Dr.s! There’s your proof. There’s your Scientifically proven proof!
It’s thankfully rare that I have seizures today. It’s sadly NOT rare that I have auras though.
Those in the past, in certain situations, etc. are HUGE inspirations to me today though.
When I am going through a hard time and need to remember others have gone through that and worse the thought, MAY THEY GIVE ME STRENGTH goes through my mind!
THIS MONTH and ALWAYS MAY THEY GIVE EVERYONE THE STRENGTH NEEDED!
Some can choose NOT to give me a ride to the Dr.s office and I would NOT get the help I need to live.
They can also choose NOT to give me a ride to the grocery store so I could only order online if my computer lets me order food that month that is.
They can also choose NOT to allow me to do my laundry in their house. That way I’d have NO way of doing my laundry and NO way of getting to a place that would allow me to do my laundry so I’d have to live with dirty clothes, etc.
Others can intimidate me and make me feel as if I have to act a certain way, etc. or they will not prescribe the medication that can keep me even partially seizure-free.
I DO realise that my writing this is a risk but I’m not one to stay silent.
I am also NOT owned by any Dr.
Dr.s are meant to help their patients not scare them into silence.
While making sure that I stay anxious, etc. by NOT helping my panic attacks; so that they can hold that control over me.
That to me is like cult leaders who keep those in cults awake so they will be unable to think correctly. It’s beyond sick.
I miss the days when the Medical Field seemed to care.
Still, I have to put on a smile and keep going simply to live partially seizure-free.I say again MAY THOSE WHO HAVE GONE THROUGH THIS GIVE ME STRENGTH!
I also tend to wonder if my legs will last long enough for me to finish this studio or if I will yet again be in a wheelchair. You can’t look at me and tell how much pain I am in but my legs feel as if they’re about to break. Still, I force myself to climb a ladder. Knowing I could easily break a bone if I fell because NOBODY is going to do it for me. I think of the fact that my wondering if I’ll get through is like many today who wonder if we will get through this time in history.
That’s not EXACTLY the same sort of pain but it’s pain. Even in pain I know we can do it. Through tears I say what the theatre taught me…
IMPOSSIBLE THINGS ARE HAPPENING EVERYDAY AND THE SHOW MUST GO ON.
Due to that, nothing can stop me so ON WITH THE F*CKIN’ SHOW!
I also tend to wonder if my family thrives off of the fact that I may be in a wheelchair again. If they get some sort of sick, twisted thrill from it.
Maybe they’re hoping that I will turn to them for help and maybe those who follow them are hoping that to, while not even considering the emotional pain it will cause me. Maybe some simply ASSUME that certain things aren’t true because they don’t WANT them to be true.
Emotional pain can cause panic attacks and in my case it does.
I tend to think that my panic attacks may be more severe due to the fact that I’m Epileptic but I’m also NOT a dr. I do not know what others panic attacks are like. I am not willing to claim that I know that either but I DO know that emotional pain can give a physical reaction. That fact should NOT be ignored by the medical field here or anywhere!
The first thing I have to share shows a face crying.
Why do I share that when so many need to remember to hold on and that they can do it? Why have I gone on so much about some of the sorrow in my life, etc.? That would be because people also need to know that it’s ok to feel! Feeling is NOT something to be ashamed of. Everyone feels, even public figures feel and it’s ok.
The public simply does not always see those hard moments in their lives because although some public figures do have the strength needed, everyone does not have the strength to keep on going yet. That would be why some in that stressful situation commit suicide. They NEED to know that is ok to feel. That doesn’t make them weak, etc. Feeling makes you human. It can be VERY DANGEROUS NOT to feel. Some can handle that correctly but others turn into cult leaders, etc. and harm people. IT’s VERY IMPORTANT to feel.
We ALL have the ability to find that inner strength or I believe that we do. Funny, I believe more in others than I do in myself and I know it 100%.
I also believe 100% that NO ONE person is above another. We ALL matter!
On that note, I wanted to share this and admit that I cry for those in need today.
I cry for the homeless.
I cry for the poor.
I cry for the ignored.
I cry for those who try to help but are accused of harm.
I cry for those who have been harmed and abused.
I cry for victims like myself, etc.
I cry for those who are growing up in a world of technology lost from nature.
I cry for those who are taken advantage of due to that technology.
I cry for those who feel that it’s normal or ok to take a camera into a bathroom today.
I cry for those who do not realise that a cell phone today is a handheld computer with a camera that can be automatically turned on to see things people should NOT have the ability to see.
I cry for those like myself who may NEVER get justice for the pain society overlooks.
I cry for those lost, alone and harmed in anyway.
I cry for the LGBTQ+ community.
I cry for the healing powers of Medical Marijuana NOT being noted by many who seriously need it.
I cry for female rights being ignored.
I cry for Disability rights being ignored.
I cry for those who have been judged, etc. in the Indian community.
I cry for those who have been judged, etc. in the Jewish community.
I cry for those who have been harmed, etc. in Ukraine.
I cry for the lack of peace in the world today.
I cry for those who have been judged, etc. in the Irish community.
I cry for those who have been judged, etc. in the Scottish community.
I cry for those who have been judged, etc. in the African American community.
I cry for those who are judged, etc. in ALL communities.
I cry for mens rights being overlooked while some men stay silent about abuse, etc.
I cry for those who are so naive as to look at a computer screen and assume that it tells everything about a persons situation. I hope that they snap out of whatever false reality they are living in.
I cry and long for the days when people actually got to know eachother and cared about their neighbours. Where have those beautiful days gone?
I cry for those who have been and are abused in harmful situations.
I cry for those who are now out of those harmful situations but have to deal with the emotional pain that they caused.
I cry for those who have lived through criminal, abusive situations that have been overlooked and ignored.
I cry for all races, sexual orientations, disabilities, ages, etc. well known, middle-class, unknown or poor.
I cry for you…. I cry and yet, I know that one day it will be ok again.
HOLD ON!
I cry but later pull myself up again in hopes that we will ALL find our voices and unite as people once more! I hope that the people will stand for what is right to help this beautiful, beautiful America! We make We The People. Do NOT let We The People die!
